This one goes out to all the men (not boys).
In a blog I wrote a year ago, She Kissed Dating Goodbye… But He Didn’t, I talked about my observations on the dating scene at my Christian college. What started this whole thought process was a conversation I overheard between some guys at the coffee shop.
One of them was saying he couldn’t date this girl because she’d read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. He was insinuating how stupid it all was (my feelings on the book here). I wanted to ask if he’d tried to even hint that he had a romantic interest in her.
I understand that rejection sucks, no one likes it, and many are scared of it. I’ve also written to girls about how sometimes their standards are SO high, only Jesus Himself would be able to match up. (Let’s just be honest, none of you guys are Him. What determines your marriageability is how many times you resolve to get back up when you fail. And a girl should have high standards for that.) But we’ll save that for another time.
Seriously though, I’m starting to doubt guys have ever even risked being rejected more than once or twice these days. Maybe we should re-define rejection. What’s the worst it could do? Rejection can be a stepping stone to better character as a man if you let it.
Next week, I plan to post a blog called, How to Know if You Should Date Someone, I’ll go through the criteria that, when given an honest, positive answer, mean you can ask her out. If you get those criteria, then GO FOR IT!
And by “ask her out”, I don’t mean confess your love for her (unless you’re at that place, then shoot). I mean to see if she wants to get coffee or go with a group of friends to a local show so you can get to know her better.
The first blog I wrote on this briefly mentions 3 things you can do with rejection. Let’s elaborate:
1. A Challenge to Pursue
So maybe she says, “No” or “Not right now”. Your first choice is to decide you want to take that as a challenge to win her heart.
If marriage is all about showing the world how Christ loves the Church, then let’s step back and realize something… Jesus is all about pursuit. Seriously though, how many times throughout the Bible (and our own lives) does God go out of His way to win us over and prove His love to us – no matter how often we say no. This is a chance to start learning how you’re going to need to display the love of Christ to your future wife in marriage someday. If you can’t pursue a woman now, how will you be able to consistently pursue your wife when you get married? How will that woman feel the love of Christ who came down from earth to heaven if you sit in your room hoping she’ll man up.
2. A Chance to Re-focus
In this scenario, she says no and you’ve prayerfully decided it’s actually not the right time for you to keep pursuing. This “rejection” gives you a chance to re-group and decide if this is the girl you should be pursuing. If she’s not the girl for you, this is an opportunity for you to pray again, realize it, and wait for God to show you the right girl.
3. A Kick to Move On
This is where I’d talk to the girls. This potential scenario means that you are a great guy, you are ready, and frankly, you two would go great together. But she either is not open to God’s direction or has her standards for marriage set at the Jesus-level. Well, you can just move on because she’s missing out.
There were lots of quality guys at the Christian school I attended. There were/are lots of quality guys at the churches I’ve been a part of. The problem is usually that the quality girls either have warped standards or blindness, or the guys won’t man up. As long as you’ve done your part, it’s not on you. Her loss! You get to move on.
Now, I’d recommend not easily deciding that your particular case is #2 or #3. A lot of time girls just need a lot of convincing and romancing. That’s why God is the author of woo and He made man in His own image and males in a romantic relationship are made to reflect Christ’s amazing woo. So go for #1, all the while staying in tune with God’s Spirit, until He tells you to move on to #2 or #3.